Today, I had a pretty amazing experience. I am not usually an outgoing smiles all around type person. I usually keep to myself, and keep my head down.
Since I graduated University and moved away from my University town I've been staying with my grandparents, which is fun, I just don't know anyone my age. So spending every day just hanging out by yourself, or going grocery shopping with your nana could cause some to get lonely. I've been enjoying it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I want my life to be, and how I will make it happen. I started this blog, where I find myself every day day dreaming about posts, taking pictures and enjoying myself. Even if no one were to ever look at my little space of the web, I'd be okay with just having somewhere, and doing something I genuinely love.
While I've been working on this self discovery, I've also made a pact with myself to be happy. I've been trying to get my anxiety to a level that I don't have to think about reminding myself to breathe, and worrying about what everyone thinks of me.
I love music, nearly everyone does, I like music that makes you want to dance, dance around in your bedroom or dance in the grocery store. Instead of thinking what other people think of the weird girl with a smile on her face bouncing to the beat of the music walking to get the milk for her granny I just do it.
Today, this older woman was looking at the milk when I skipped over to her with the smile on my face and the bounce in my step. She actually stopped me and told me it is rare for people to express happiness anymore, that no one seems like they are genuinely happy, and that she loved seeing someone with a smile grabbing some 2% milk.
The smile may have gotten a little bigger... just a little though. It got me to thinking though- isn't it sad that an older lady has to stop a young 20 something with a smile on her face and say that it is refreshing? Being in University I met a lot of people who were there, or in certain programs because it was what their parents wanted, or what they felt they were required to do, why is it like this? What is so wrong with being happy?
Needless to say, I'm loving this new outlook I have on everything. Why not just be happy? Anyways, That's my goal. I will continue to deal with anxiety that makes me relive every moment of the day before I go to bed, analyzing every minute detail to think of what could be perceived of me until it snowballs into me thinking about something that happened 2 years ago. I will continue to have to count to 4 as I inhale and to 4 as I exhale while laying in bed, tricking myself into thinking about something else. But I will also be happy. I am challenging myself to write a blog, like so many others do, and ignoring what others will say, because I want to.
I refuse to be held down by opinions, instead I want to be the reason an older lady smiles, knowing some 20 something loved getting the bag of milk for her nana.